My parents really messed me up.
Throughout the years all of their good and bad,
Hopes and dreams,
Securities and insecurities,
Strengths and weaknesses,
All the things they could control and couldn’t control,
All the situations where they totally killed it as parents,
And the times they didn’t…
Somehow got barfed onto my existence and produced me. And just like every person in humanity, I was given the task of navigating through not only my own mess of wonderful and horrendous things about myself, but also theirs.
It’s one of the many reasons I’ve held off on having my own kids.
I’m going to mess them up.
I’m VERY critical, blunt, my resort to emotion is anger, I curse, have intense desires for a perfectly tidy home, selfish, and hopelessly in love with sleep...just for starters.
So as I’ve gotten older and the dream of having a crew of little Daltons has become more and more relevant, I’ve seriously evaluated what my parents did right and what my parents did wrong. As I’ve rolled it over in my head a million different times, I’ve come to realize,...my parents did not do everything right. Which has made me have to swallow that I’m not going to either.
But of the things my parents did do right, the one that made a lasting impression was their act of loving me. They might not have always done it well or the way I needed, but regardless of any of that, I’ve always known that my parents were in my corner and that they loved the shit out of me. Period. I’ve never questioned it. And I’ve questioned a lot of things in my days. But never that.
Not everyone can say that about their parents. Which a horrendous misfortune. To grow up having to question whether or not you are loved is one of the worst things that could ever happen to a person. It’s an injustice that I can’t rationalize how anyone would get over.
But the power of love is that the same love that some people have had to question if it even exists as a child, is the same love that covered all my parent’s mistakes and deficiencies. That’s love.
Always filling in the gaps.
So yah, my parents messed me up. But in the best way. And yah, I’m going to mess up my kids. But I hope my kids can say I messed them up in the best way too.
I hope they can say what I can say about my parents:
They love the shit out of me, and that’s really all that matters.