"So what brings you here?"
I'm sitting in a well lit room in a comfy chair with a stranger. A stranger I'm paying to be my friend. To listen. To give counsel. I'm wearing my waterproof mascara and my most comfy work pants (you know, the ones that have the elastic waistband). I was prepared on the outside and yet, I hadn't been prepared for that question. I had thought the first meeting would be a bs get to know you session.
Somewhere deep down in me I hear my soul whisper, "you're tired.".
"I'm tired!" I blurt out.
My paid friend nods at me and warmly smiles to go on.
I'm convinced this is why therapists make any sort of money, they know when to encourage more out of you instead of filling the space with their own words.
"More?! Crap, she wants more"... I think to myself while fidgeting with my turquoise ring.
"I'm tired.... Of feeling like this. Of being like this. Of dealing with the same shit every year and losing and hurting every time. I realized once another one of my "resolved" issues circled around for the millionth time with the same strength it had the last time, that I'm going to be dealing with the same crap over and over again in my life, just in a different way, with new scenarios. So knowing that, I guess I'm just tired of hurting so much every time it circles around, especially when I don't know why exactly it hurts or why I let it hurt. I feel like I shouldn't hurt anymore or I should have some control over my issues, but they are all so deep inside of me and I need help pulling them out, unravelling them, and calling them for what they are. A lot of them for the first time. So I guess my hope is maybe, if I know some of what they are and why they have control over me, they will lose some power and won't leave me lying on the bathroom floor crying every time."
She closes her eyes and nods as if she fully understands.
I sigh. I'm so tired. Why can't I get my crap together? I think of some of my friends and how I feel like they cope so well with change, marriage, contentment, and just life in general. I'm tired of feeling like something is wrong with me,...especially when I know somewhere deep inside of me, that nothing is.
I didn't know it then, but now 2 years later from this initial introduction to my paid best friend I know I was right. Nothing is wrong with me.