Devastation. It’s happening. To us, to our loved ones, our friends, our country, the world.
I can't contain it. I can’t fathom it.
Pain is such an immeasurable thing. It hooks itself heavy in our chest and brings knots to our stomachs as we carry it.
It’s something that can’t be shared. It’s a singular voyage that requires only you to make it through this second, this minute, this day.
Not too long ago I sat in the passenger seat of our car, sobbing.
I couldn’t even remember when I had started. I just remember looking out the window of our car and the sadness hitting me so hard that the waves of emotions consumed me in an uncontrollable way. Which sucks, because I was trying so hard to control it.
I didn’t want “this”. I didn’t ask for “this”. And yet life felt uncontrollable. Like it was happening to me and that I was powerless to be in control of it.
Bobby was panicked at my side. “Should he drive me to Coos Bay?” , where my mom was three hours away.
I remember thinking It would be easier to not exist. To not have to feel. My mom wasn’t going to solve “this” for me. Her prayers were not going to numb my drowning heart.
No one could save me. I could only save myself. It was a choice only I could make.
I don’t want to believe in God. Truly. I don’t . All this hocus pocus of there being some large godly figure holding the planets and cells of my body together in some mysterious, powerful way. A god big and strong who creates, saves, and is still somehow present in the intricate details of my life.
The stories are ludicrous. His representatives are confusing. And everything about belief somehow spirals into a stitching of stories that can be interpreted in a million and a half different ways, which all whirls and whirls around until one contradicts another.
God. Glorious, infinite, warmth and light-filled God.
Plunges in and all around my mind full of doubt, fear, and worry. My laboring crying, my clenched hands, my wound-up chest full of rocks. And somehow,
I can breath again.
Call upon the name of the Lord and be saved. Romans 10:13
Jesus! God! Messiah! Someone, something up in the sky! Whoever you are!
God. The God I don’t want to believe in or acknowledge - is what has held my life together. I doubt God’s existence, presence, and whether a godly figure even cares….and yet. Here Iam.
I have survived. I have called out to God in annoyance, irritation, desperation, fear, anxiety, confusion, pain, all of it! And somehow, someway the Spirit of God that is God has enveloped everything that is seizing within me and I have experienced
PEACE & HOPE
Even in the darkest, scariest, “maybe just falling asleep and never waking up would be nice” moments. In the enveloping assuring way that only a God could do.
So that’s what I want to be known. To anyone and everyone who stumbles upon my public journal that I post on the internet. I hope you hear and feel my heart on this one.
Because devastation and despair are present and they are here to stay in this worldly life.
Call on God - talk to this godly figure the exact same way you would anyone else -
And be saved.
And then repeat every second, minute, hour as necessary.
Side effects may apply include but are not limited to: feeling truly heard and understood, realizing God’s presence is more intense than you ever realized, having to surrender every single detail of your life in the acknowledgement of God’s ability to hold everything, confirmation that you have to pursue that “thing” you have been procrastinating to pursue because it’s going to be really scary, freedom from your own suppressing thoughts and lies, smiling in that creepy way you only do when everything is falling apart but you’re still alright, patience and kindness to that person who probably *cough* definitely doesn’t deserve it, forgiving someone who has hurt you so bad you don’t want to think of their name, letting yourself off the hook, letting everyone else off the hook, trusting that everything is happening in God’s perfect timing, wanting God’s will in a new way, etc.